A DESTINY INTERTWINED…………….

The tale of a broken, struggling young man in Dubai draws me to sympathetic mode. Its amazing how destinies and fates are all intertwined and when you least expect it, the hand of destiny could draw you to a path unforeseen. When we thought we had seen it all and the rest is well thought of, our defenses are up and ready for what we believe is the limit to which the hand of destiny can lead us to.

The ambitious young man in question was cruising gaily with an aim not to miss the green light at the intersection and all that was on his mind was to reach home to his young wife. The poor, worn-out, malnourished laborer who was standing by the road with the aim of suicide on a pedestrian crossing decides to eventually take a leap and accomplish his extremely desperate plan which would hopefully earn his family the so called “blood money”. Unaware of the laws of the land, the driver who was cruising homeward would not commit any crime by accidentally bringing him to the other side of life as he so planned. The scene horrific and the driver may never be able to recover from but sadly this is how their destinies were intertwined.

Being a man of honor he decides to pay the “blood money” to the poor laborer’s family by obtaining a loan for which he foresaw payable over time. He wanted to make it right, even though the grisly incident was irreversible and will always be. The world economic crisis then strikes and his losses his job and is forced to stay on a low-paying job just to be able to foot his bills and clear his debt. To those who may read what I write, you may never be able to empathize with the fate of this man. Some of you may so, well, “shit happens” and I understand your point. We all have crosses to bear but how often do we believe that our neighbor’s cross doesn’t concern us? We take fore granted the fact that his cross may fall on our pathway and make us trip over.

Well, we may never be able to make it all better and the pain may not be lessened when we offer an ear to listen, but we should not live in ignorance with the belief that you only have your cross to carry. Even if you may not make it any easier but the fact that we could listen, work to make our neighbor have a smile on their faces, offer advise when they ask for it or even the simplest of gestures be fair to one another could make our crosses lighter. The burdens may then be easier to bear. For a moment, you were the employer of this poor laborer who is back-breaking in the construction of your sky scrapper, what would you have done better? Could you have given him better living condition to make him not feel less of a human being? Would you have tried to help him understand that he too has a right to life just like any of us? I am not trying to sound a saint and in many occasions I have take fore granted the opportunity to make the world a better place.

We may not change the world in one day but you can be the subject to inspire change. It starts with the small baby steps, from the rich to the poor, young to the old, employed and the employer. We all are in this together. Every single life under the sun has a right to be here, while our time on earth is on; we should try to make it a better place. When the laborer cried, who dried his tears, when he went to his demanding job on empty stomach who gave him a piece of bread? He walked by you the other day on the pavement, why did you shy away? He needed you and me but what he saw was how he was all alone.

Act today and tomorrow your cross will be easier to bear. It may be your gardener’s neighbor who thirsts in the scorching sun, the delivery boy who almost collapses under the heavy weights he bears to your door step; taxi man; door bell man; it may be the person you stare right in the face every morning. Believe me when I say it’s “a destiny intertwined”.

TWISTING STORMS

I believe that many a times in our lives, we plan, plot and program solutions mainly in the future “psychological time” frame. We believe that tomorrow, the solution you plotted up today will be the answer. Appears as though you can see the future through a crystal glass; today is just a bad day but tomorrow with the “sun rise” this problem will go away. What a delusional way to think! I have to objections on planning and I have been known to be a “good planner”.

Albeit if you read carefully through my words you will note that I referred to the “psychological time”. This is a time frame which never arrives, it’s a way of sugar-coating our scapegoats and forgetting that all we have is this moment. The plans may come to implemented in the future “clock time” but how surprising it is for us that a new problem wakes up. The old trouble is gone but a new one is at the door. The stormy past appears to have gone but alas!, its has taken a new twist. The winds have changed directions and perhaps gained momentum. We are left clueless and perhaps with no more “way out”.

But who knew things would turn out this way? In the process of planning, it seemed like a well laid plan. How did everything go from bad to worse, you ask yourself? How did the seemingly meaningless arguments lead to a divorce? The innocently rude teenager turns out hardcore criminal? The meaningless flirt led to an affair? The manageable credit card debt crippling us to bankruptcy or better, abuse of pain killers to a drug addiction? The examples are endless. But these are some of the situations we find ourselves in but dismiss them by saying “tomorrow” I will talk to my better half, “next week” I will phone my bank or pay my credit card, “next month” while on vacation I will sit up with my teenage daughter/son for a heart to heart talk; “next year” I will stop taking the depression/sleeping pills. I will visit my sick grandmother “next spring”; I will apologize to my spouse “tomorrow” night over dinner….

We store our monsters away and re-direct our storms. But how surprising it is when they take a new twist and return in full force? What was dismissed as a sweet madness brings us to our knees and no more scapegoats “one last time’. The stormy phase of our life has returned with a new twist. No where to hide and no possible way to correct….. “It could always be worse” a saying of the wise men.

There is hope however, and it all starts today or better this moment. That’s all we will ever have. doing all we in this moment, living through pain, working out our issues in this moment and when we need help, swallowing our pride to find possible solution within the “present time” frame. It may take a miracle but be conscious of the storm, shield yourself when possible, don’t wait for it to take a new twist and gain momentum. The second, minute, day, month, year or decade may never come.

Our procrastination may fuel the stormy phase of our life situation that we have today. Let the tears flow, the pocket run empty after clearing our debts, the stress dissolve and hearts love…this “moment”. The storm is twisting!!

OPEN THE DOORS TO YOUR BARN…

An article in one of Kenya’s newspaper reels me into deep reflection on the unbalanced life cycles in the world today. I see a picture of a man poorly bandaged, lying on a stretcher with helpless relatives watching on. The hospital is crowded, doctors scarce. I can’t help but reflect on the instances when I have walked into hospitals without queues and attended to within minutes. Places staffed with nurses that could outnumber the patients.

I am not a wealthy woman and I have my areas of struggles but the sight is pitiful. How human beings lie on wooden beds without cover and wait for medical help that is out of reach. Who is to blame? In this case, humanity. We are all responsible for the self centeredness that has inflicted humanity. Few may care but even in the midst of these many still pursue selfish gains such as huge pharmaceuticals testing dangerous drugs on the defenseless population, a Hollywood star seeking to obtain huge figures on the next movie.

Poor children die in the arms of helpless mothers, infants sucking breasts without milk, injured bleeding profusely to death all in wait for help. But where does help come from? Will the situation get any better? What a different world it would be when few individuals ceased to take priceless wine at one sitting in the hope of entertainment and gave a drop of water to the thirsty throat that yearns for it. How vain we all are in what we seek. When some hope for a drop of milk, while we bath in milk tub at an exotic spa resort. A child in need of a spoon of honey, I cover my skin with jars of honey at one go.

I am not pointing fingers instead trying to bring an awakening to the fading humanity, to reach out to those who still have hearts that care. You may have no dollar to give but a gentle hand to help the blind man across the street would do. Instead of watching the figures grow in your bank account watch healthy children grow to the future society. The wise men say “give and it will come back to you”

For those of us stifled with greed I say a gentle prayer for you tonight to open the doors to your barn and reach out to that breath that will soon be gassed out. What a wonderful world this would be if we could just give not necessarily in monetary value but even your skill could be gift to someone in need.

We could heal the world if we could open the doors to our barns, it could be as cheap and a simple hug to an ailing elderly person or even a smile to the lonely person dying of depression. Time is now to stretch out your hand and help….heal the world.

AYE! AYE! SONG OF THE AFRICAN HERDSMAN

Listening to the soundtrack of the movie “constant gardener”, which has been sung in my mother tongue, a note inside me rises up. A note connected to the tunes of my fore -fathers. The melody so somber and sad, takes me away to the memories of my childhood. A memory, of a herdsman of my grandparents’ cattle. I recall his humility and good cheer, Impossible to lose his cool and always willing to lend a helping hand.

With nostalgia, I recall his dances, how often he gave in to our bullying acts. He was happy, so happy inside. In his simplicity he had it all. Why do I talk about him tonight? Watching the movie “constant gardener” I see the pain that innocent children in Africa go through. The deadly illness that surround them, violent tribal clashes, epidemics, poverty and often bullying for the “west” (no offense to the western world). The amazing fact is that they smile and dance even in the midst of uncertainty. The future may be bleak and they may go to bed on empty stomachs or on simple porridge but this does not break their spirit. The smiles and laughter are so alive and free and even when mean journalists come around to air their dirty linen to those of us who are ignorant of their world, they pose which such poise, sometimes a shy smile but at the end they laugh and wave.

How magical? Happy are those who are simple at heart. They have so little and yet they are so rich, so giving and they make us feel welcome in their innocence. I compare this to the lucky part of the human race, which place their worth and value in form of material substances. When these disappear they remain worthless for they never got to connect to their well of joy inside. We take it for granted that we can be happy by just accepting who we are. By not chasing the waterfalls. What we have at this moment is all we ever have and even though it may be hard to imagine, it could always be worse.

I hum the melody I heard this night and a peace transcends peace that tells me that all I need is right with me at this moment. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here, but this moment, I am happy, complete and thankful.

I press gently across my chest and feel my heart pump gently in my chest and I know the gift that I posses tonight. I smile and I feel joy well up in me. This is me so whole and so blessed. Back to the story of the humble herdsman of my childhood, even though he never set foot on a plane, he never saw the flash of a camera, he never shook the hands of a “mzungu” that his fellow village mates so longed to do, he died a happy man. As silent as he lived his life.
Many of us search for what may never be. It’s not where you search for it. True joy is a well inside of you. Feel it and search no further. No picket fences, no limousines, no security guard will give you the peace you need.

Aye! Aye! The rain is nigh, bring the cattle back to the shed.

AFTER THE STORM..

I have heard this phrase on so many occasions. Poetry, songs and even self help books talk about the storms of life. The weather men may warn us of a physical storm and even though the warning may be late, rarely is it absent. The clouds will tell us when its nigh and the flashes of lightning will remind us that we need to take cover for the fast approaching bad weather..
Yes, indeed. We run to take cover and cover our heads not to get wet. Stay at home behind locked doors safe away from the strong winds. Ironic, how we can protect ourselves from the rain storms, sand storms and yet fail to keep safe from the potential daily life storms. Why not take cover?

The answer varies, many people don’t live their lives consciously, perhaps in addiction, denial, resentment, hatred and some deeply absorbed in their pain. The storm finds our doors open, our umbrellas broken, some lost, some not even in our possession. The lightning may strike but we are blinded by our life situations that we cannot see. The thunder may groan but our deaf ears cannot hear the sound. The storm sweeps through each and every stronghold left within us.
The gushing floods of despair and helplessness, grip our weak physique. Denial and pride keeps us from clutching onto the last straws. Our ego lets us believe that we always come out victorious and that nothing else matters other than “I”. Often selfishness takes place of kindness, charity and empathy. The storm will break every branch that we may have. The flowers that may bloom will lose its shine. While the storm lasts. All we think about is when it will get through. When will the rains stop falling? Will the lightning strike our shelter next? What happens when the storm uproots us from the roots? How do we keep ourselves alive? How do we stay alive when the storm takes away all that we thought would shield us in the event of a calamity?

We have a choice, to yield into the stormy period and live through every moment of it or stay in denial. Assume there is no rain and get wet, or turn a blind eye to the lightning and get struck. The choice is ours. Just like the trees in the forest need fellow trees to weather the stormy season so do we need companionship in our lives. It could be our family, friends or colleagues. In certain events it could be the consciousness of a stranger that awakens us.

After the storm has passed, no after-showers, no lightning streaks and the floods have passed; we sit and survey the damage. The fallen branches, we have lost our shine or perhaps our fruits of life. The price may be dear and damage irreparable. But hey, do you notice you are alive! Yes. You are! You survived it all. There is life flowing through you. Do you sit and indulge in this moment, to feel the wholeness inside despite the external loss? do we let our ego make us feel worthless or do we accept and surrender to moment.

I am not saying you sit and take no action, but I urge to feel the life inside and live through this pain, loss or even better, save a drowning brother. Bring them back to consciousness. Some may not understand what I write but perhaps they are yet to feel it. The storm will have passed but you are alive. Who is or will be standing beside you?..
After the storm, it’s all gone, feel the moment and live…..be sure yet another storm is in the horizon…

THOSE WERE THE MOMENTS………

In the past days I have found myself smiling, giggling and even breaking into peels of laughter. The most alarming thing is that I do it even when I am alone in at home.. I know what some of you are thinking…”she is nuts!” well, you are entitled to your own opinion but my reason for these episodes has been very simple. I am happy from the memories I relive daily. There are times when you sit trying to find a peace of haven but a distant memory floats into thought. For many they prefer to dwell in the sad memories but somehow for me, my mind chooses to dwell on the good ones.

From the frog dancing my mum showed me when I was a child, to the booty dance of my younger sister Susan and not to forget the hilarious comments of my wise dad. It doesn’t end there,; the falling off the quads bike in the desert and laughing it over, even to the naughty thoughts over the coffee table while with a friend of mine…. Not to forget the very first episode when I saw my elder sister drunk (forgive me big sis). Even though she may not remember me holding her hand and taking her to bed, I could never forget the hilarious phrases and words she did at this moment, her hearty laughter at her staggering walks …These memories, I may not list them all this morning but they float and color my heart, thoughts and moods. I smile brightly or even laugh heartily when I relive these moments….

The most important thing is the people who shared it with me. They may be far away from me today but I realize they live in me, within my endless thoughts. For many it may appear strange but for me it’s a state of mind that I would not wish to loose. Even when the miles and obstacles of time set in, these moments and more to come remind me of a time under the sun when I laughed and I was jolly..

I earnestly hope that they think about me too; my family, friends and I don’t wish for them to have negative thoughts of our time together.. They should always live in the gay moments we shared together. For the days when I smile even though alone, I owe it to you. And moments will come when I am low and drained.. I will simply switch to the moments when I laughed, the days when I did embarrassing things, those times when I went beyond my skin…

To all the people who have given these days, thank you and I hope to share many more days knowing you.. Creating “the days which we will live to remember”…..

Creating the memories of us………………..

VILLIAN WITHIN

News headlines, tabloids, journals and talk shows all show us the atrocities committed in the present day. Humanity is slowing fading and many are faced with shocking findings that the people who share their roofs are not who they deemed them to be. Parents realizing that they raised monsters in the skin of their off springs…

A 17 year old girl being murdered in broad daylight while running errands and a 3 month old baby hacked to death by her own mother. To some it appears “order of the day” but why not stop and think? Where do all these people who commit such atrocities come from? Well, the answer is simple; they are born and raised amongst us. Some could be our neighbors at home, some our colleagues at work or even closer, our sisters, bothers, parents or even fiancés’. Surprised, well yes you should…

All these criminals are not from alien planets, they are part of us. Scientist may blame it on a defective gene, some may blame it on sickness (which naturally occurs) but what really causes us to go over that edge? I am still yet to explore these reasons further, life will teach me the things that I may not see at my present age and above all I pray to God that He may open my the eyes of my heart to see what really lurks behind the hideous crimes…

In my young opinion, the solution may be simpler than we think it is. It’s all grounded in love. When we love those around us with purest of intentions, the God-given love and build them with our deeds. When a parent doesn’t close his/her eye to the misdemeanor or folly deeds of his young child. When the cut the evil in its bud. When we stop living self centered lives and go back to the basics of genuinely caring for those who share our beds, those who sit across our tables and in love live each and every passing day. Well, some may say I am a dreamer but when you think of it, it’s the only way to clean our sociality of all the sicknesses related to stress and loneliness.

Parents failing to counsel their children and leave them to play video games all day long. Sisters failing to pay attention on the dangerous internet surfing their brothers may be involved in. a friend of mine to whom I got acquainted on the internet once noted lightly “if I was your father, I would shut down all internet access because you have no idea to whom you will chat to”. It struck me as odd but he was right. We have closed our eyes and don’t want to face the villain right in the face. We hide away behind the mask of laughter, walking in and out of movie halls amongst other activities that don’t really help us see what the person next to us is turning into..

This is a topic that may not be easy an easy one to close and the religious books and people have explored it. There is a distinct line between good and evil but it’s also important to note the power of free will. This is the only weapon we have and we should not let ourselves be subdued into thinking we can’t make a choice.

Once I asked my mother how it was to raise 9 children and her answer was, “that sometimes, when she lacked wise counsel as a parent, she went down on her knees and seeked the guidance of the heavens.” For those who believe in God, you are safe in this haven but why don’t we share this joy with all around us…

Once again my call is on you and me.. That’s where it all starts.. Look around and show the world around you that indeed there is someone who loves…let’s smoke this villain that dwells in our abodes out….he is not welcome anymore …….

Look around, the villain could be right in your face…………….perhaps even closer, look at the mirror…what do you see?

LOCK OF AN EMBRACE....

The 7 DAYS newspaper screams the headline of a boy who wishes to give everyone a hug in the malls of Dubai. This struck me as odd just like anyone else in Dubai must have thought. It may appear as an insane thought, perhaps even outrageous to the conservative Muslim culture but in the human eye it’s a simple sign of affection. It’s the story of a young boy so tired of seeing sad, strained faces of the people around him. People going about their daily lives without love, affection and the easiest of all things.. A smile…

Why do I talk of this today/ simply because I search the faces of the people I encounter everyday and long to see the contentment in their eyes. Many of those I meet are on their hurried way to work, meetings, dates or even rendezvous.. So often those who smile, hide the sad streak in their eyes and keep appearances. No one to give them the affection they may need. They maybe married or single but this has become the order of the day. When husband and wife live in a “house but not a home”. Walk into the bedroom and no single sign of affection, which could simply be done in an embrace.

Not to be pessimistic and judgmental, I am sure there are those who practice this and couples who enjoy this blessing they possess each and every day of their lives. How simple the lock of an embrace is but quite a powerful tool to show love, goodwill and appreciation of those close to us. When we share this simple act we pass on the human warmth and optimism. To the young children it gives assurance that all will be fine even though there is little to be optimistic about in the current world..

When tears fill our eyes and we want to break down ; it may be clear that the answer is not nigh but the fact that we could genuinely feel the affection, assurance of someone close to us could actually heave the cloud of doubts in our heart and mind. It’s a simple act that would make a foreigner feel welcome in a strange land, open the hardened hearts and “brighten the sun”. The sun may shine high up above but few see the rays. It maybe bright outside but many have their blinds drawn. Why not open them up for them? Why not show them that it may not be so bad after all.

The young children have an amazing love, untainted, needing and unconditional. When they wish to share and spread this, what could bring better healing to a society of economic hardships, violence and speedy lifestyle? They nee someone to tell them STOP! Take time and feel what love could be like.. it simple warm, unconditional and always there just an arm length’s away..

Share the love , joy , acceptance, welcome and joy in the simple lock of an embrace….go ahead, try it see the smile that brightens the sun…

BASKETS OF OUR DEPOSITS…….

Hearts, minds and intellectual beings that believe in us and trust our words, thoughts and actions are present in our daily lives. From the innocent mind of a child to wise mind of an elderly man, there are those who trust that the deposits we place in the basket of life is all of good intention. Some could trust us with their hearts, some their minds, finance and most importantly the benevolent child who has his life entrusted in you. The giving lover and partner who gives to you the most precious, their body joining in one with yours..

The news, stories milling around will tell you of how badly we abuse this privilege; betray trust, loyalty, love and abuser the lives of the young ones trusted to us. I am not saying all that we do is evil and that the deposits are foul but I would urge to you to think about it. What of the person who has given to you without holding back, what of the bank that has entrusted a loan to you and your child who solely depends on you? When we decide to intentionally abuse these privileges then how can we truly claim to love? We break families and leave young ones divided and lost; some go the extent of sexually abusing the innocent ones. Why do we place foul deposits in these new baskets?

A story of a shattered man, who took in all the lies he received form his partner, he assured his heart that these lies could actually be true. The promise of the wife to fight for their love and keep their marriage alive was all he needed to get by. He was yearning for her love, her company of deceit, living a lie each and every passing day. So thirsty was he for her presence in his life that he aided her in concealing a crime. He needed just an ounce of this poisoning love to keep him going for yet another day.

What am I driving at? We have business associates, partners, families and friends who rely on our every word with a hope that it will help them in achieving certain goal. Some rely on our company to make their day a, some need our love to lift them up each and every passing day. We all depend on each other in some way or another and how often do we take fore granted the small lies we tell to those close to us. We fabricate the truth to suit our own needs. Our self-centered thoughts take center stage and nothing else matters. What we give out is foul and unworthy, staining the baskets of those in need of it.

Do we realize how blessed we are to have someone care or rely on us. Someone give us their trust and could stand in our defense when we need so? We only give the undesired deposits. The color is dull, foul and un-pretty. But alas, what do we care? Take time and look into the eyes of the person you are bound to poison with your ill-intention/lie and feel the pain they are bound to feel when they discover you have betrayed their trust. It could be the business partner, your colleague, your child or even your partner.

It’s beyond any reasonable doubt that the foul deposit we place in their baskets will stain all the good deposits we had earlier placed. It’s all interdependent and rotates in a cycle. Is it not better to for them to have empty basket or half full basket of the worthy deposits than have full one of unworthy deposits from us?

For the heart that loves and trust like the man in my story, I encourage you to continue doing so for your beautiful souls renew the souls already tainted in the society that we live in. with your giving hearts and pure deposits you put in other people’s baskets, a new growth is realized and love is natured.

Bear in mind “A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.” Let’s fill these baskets with seeds of love…it starts with you and me… :)

PLAYING ON BROKEN STRINGS…

Listening to the CD of James Morrison “Undiscovered”, I feel a deep connection or perhaps I related to his words in a personal way. The words of his songs are well arranged and unlike banging music that goes in through one ear and out through the other, his words stay in mind and the tunes awaken life to the listeners.. What a talent!!

However, this is not what I intend to discuss today but rather I would like to explore the issue of playing on broken strings. Many a times we find ourselves enslaved by our desires or ambitions and even though the red signal may blink warning us of danger zone; we keep on walking. We are determined and believe that we can achieve all things with this determination. Well, few wise men in the past made us believe that we should never give up. But isn’t it a fact that if everyone could achieve what they wished for in this world then there would be chaos?

In the few years of my life, one point has been clear that our instincts will always guide us and tell us when to stop. When to know that this is a road not to be explored. There could be better alternate roads which are available to us only if we open our eyes. Even though we may wish to keep the rain from falling, we have to let it fall because it’s beyond our control. Any instrument that has strings needs two ends to make a connection and only when the connection between end A and B is done, can we really produce beautiful tunes, melody and music.

What am I getting at? Any relationship, friendship needs point A and B; it takes two to tango and when one end decides to leave there is no way you can create the wonderful tunes of love. No music will be produced and as the string slackens before it breaks, the sound is horrifying. In the same way when love is lost, trying to resurrect or force it through will only bring the unwanted results. The pain will be excruciating, words hurtful and the beautiful memories shared may be lost forever. Why not heed to the warning signs of our instincts, it will let us know when the string is broken.

The same may be to our dreams; some dreams may work but some may not work. The fear to accept and let go of the unfeasible dreams may overwhelm us but trust me, there are always other options. Promises may be broken but these certainly are the ones that were meant to be broken. There is a special power in letting loose and accepting, a liberation that you can’t stop certain events from occurring. The sun will shine, so will the moon and eventually we can not stop the rain from falling even though we may wish to…

Quit playing on broken strings, it may kill you desire to make the beautiful music of life…don’t try save stuff from the fire when there is nothing to save..running after the last train when its too late may leave you panting and breathless…. Feel the beautiful release of letting go….

WHO WILL STAND?..........................................

Watching the MJ memorial last night, my mind lingered on the words that were said by those who knew him. For many, he was a hero, best performer, best friend and even king of pop. But the story that moved me most was the tears of a young child; a girl who had lost her father and even in the midst of all the press and celebrities and the world, she broke down and wept. She had lost a father, the only father she ever knew…

Why do I say this? In many occasions, we are misled by the world around us and the people we call friends (I am not against friendships) but do we really recognize the people who truly know us? Our friends may describe us as a strange person but those who know us by heart will understand that we are not strange; instead we have a lot of strange things and people to deal with. The world may consider us a personality but there are those who will see us as a person…

Which would you prefer? My question to you this morning is that when we die, who will stand to speak at our memorial? It may not be on a public podium but would it be a memorial of praise, beautiful words of poetry or even jokes? Or would it be one of celebration of a live fully lived? A life of rewards and givings? Would we have someone just break down to say “I love you”? Would they shed a tear and whisper “I will miss you”?

Even though we are over 6 billion in the world, do we recognize how lonely many are? We have a person inside of us who desires to live. A child in our hearts who wants to get out and be heard. We stifle the cries of this inner child in us as trash his/her innocence. In exchange for the quick passing dreams. How often do we overlook this aspect of our being and end up living a hopeless life. This child in us dreams and it’s only when we let these pure dreams come out, would we truly live…

I am not a wise woman and being a Christian, I understand the fact that in the eyes of God, human wisdom is mere madness. Everyday, I therefore pray to Him to grant me His wisdom and that I may live my life in this wisdom. Back to my theme for this morning; I hope in my heart that I have earned the love of people close to my heart. It doesn’t matter if they will stand at my memorial and say the beautiful words. It will not change the simple cycle of life but what would matter is that, “is the person standing up having my print in his/her heart”? Will they lack words and just weep to say they love me….

I am not trying to say that we all need to think of our memorials all the days of our lives. What I mean to say is that do we really hold and appreciate the people closest to us? Or do we live lonely lives in the crowd of over 6 billion people? Do we let the child in us come out alive? Whatever you choose to do today or for the rest of your life, I hope that you will have someone stand and whisper the words of love…

Who will stand?...................................

TO MY SISTER, ON HER BIRTHDAY

Today being the birthday of my closest friend and confidant, who I am also proud to have as a sister: I sat and thought of what was the best gift I could give her? What were the right words to say to her? How could I brighten her day? We live continents apart and my physical presence isn’t possible on this day even though deep inside I wish to tell her how proud I am of her, how much I love her..

Well, to many of you it may appear just as a simple sisterly love but I do not where to start or stop in describing her selfless love and care she has accorded to all of us. They say that in a family there is always one who bears the touch of an angel.. Well in my family as much all my other siblings are special to me; I could not find the best words to describe her but to say she was gifted with the touch of an angel.

Her soft spoken voice, quite firm but empathizes great deal. There were times when I needed a shoulder to cry on and she offered not only her shoulder but she also cried with me. In situations that I felt hopeless she encouraged and whenever necessary stood by my side till this period elapsed. She ran with us the race and at the end she was there to wipe the sweat from our faces. Not always is she soft but is ready to scold when needed.

I have been through tough times, during my studies and I made it through because she selflessly gave a lot to ensure I was strong all the way. I may never know the extent of her sacrifices and I may never be able to repay her for all her good deeds but what I can do today, is to write an open letter to my wonderful sister, Joy on her birthday…

For the times she stayed by my father’s sick bed, for the long tiring journey she made to see her sister’s on parents day. For the time she gave up her needs and wants to share with us what she had. For the bond she holds for Mboya’s family. The love she has given to our mother, in gifts and her gentle presence. She may not be perfect but I could never wish for a better sister. I may never say the most beautiful words and words may not be new…but this is the only tool that I have, words.. May God grant you many more anniversaries and who knows the words may be more special than today

Dearest sis, if there are other re incarnations after this life, may fate give me the gift of being close to you. May you always be the listener, comforter and welcoming person you have always been. The wonderful mother that you are , and a loving wife to keep your family strong and happy. You shared your bed and showed me your tears, you laughter healed a lot of my doubts.. I may never be able to stop writing but this day I pray that God grants you the wisdom to live through this life leaving prints in people hearts.. You may not be a famous celebrity but in my world you are more than a star..

I leave a light on for you in my life and heart… and on the days when your stars don’t shine so bright, take my candle, let it light the way. On the day you need a warm embrace, I will open my arms broad to give back what you have given to me all these years. When you are lost, I will be lost with you and together we will find a way. I may not be there always but I pray to God the father to keep you in His light and guide your path.. In these words I write an open letter of love to my dearest sister Joy…

Happy birthday………….

A heart that loves……….

doesn’t need words, no need for poetry,
It’s not the beautiful words that makes it love more,
Not the tears that are shed that makes it break,
record of wrongs are not kept ,
And the energy of this heart keeps going strong;
It expects no perfection, no gratitude;
Seeks no self gain but only gives……

One that loves doesn’t hide the emotions;
It’s not ashamed to feel weak,
Jealousy may take over at moments of doubt;
But with the next beat, this heart believes and hopes again;
And why not?

This heart needs no words,
Butlongs for fulfillment and companionship;
Its afraid to be alone;It beats faster when it’s destiny draws close;
It doesn’t use force;
Even though it may hurt;
It let’s go just to make the “heart” that it loves happy….

Heart that loves, simply loves….
To find out how, just let your heart love…. :)

TASTE BAD WINE TO KNOW A GOOD ONE………….

This morning on my drive to work I was thinking on the why we have bad experiences, or face misery, pain, confusion, ache and all the negative events that impact our lives. I am not a wine taster but I thought of a friend of mine is a self proclaimed wine taster. For those of you who know me, are well aware that I know nothing about alcohol given that I don’t take any… but out of curiosity I once asked how he knew that this was a good wine. His answer was simple, I tasted bad ones before and so I know a good one when I taste one….

Hmm.. isn’t life the same way? How would you know true joy when you never faced deep pain? How would you recognize a sincere smile when you never saw a frowning face? How would know a true heart when you never knew a deceptive heart?... how can you know true love when you never encountered the wrong kinds of loves and relations? Life is like the science of wine tasting. Some aspects of our lives just like wines are meant to be sipped, drank and some spilled out of our lives due to their foulness…

I am not saying I have it all figured out but in my opinion when going through the pain and cloudy moments of our lives, let’s be still and recognized the aspects that make these moments be what they are. In the this state of stillness we retreat to that part inside of us that allows us to see our inner self and recognize what we really are feeling. When we do so, we will be able to recognize when the better times come knocking. We can be at ease to enjoy both good and bad aspects of our lives knowing that tomorrow is a better day. Tomorrow the wine may be the best and we may actually drink it..

For those of us going through divorce, we must be optimistic that tomorrow we will be able to build the right marriage; those with broken hearts, its beyond any reasonable doubt that the next partner could be the right one for you.. When you get fired or loose your job today, put a smile on your face, it may be the opportunity to belong with the right company next…

It’s hard I believe and hard work is entailed , but we have all been there and we will all be there so don’t despair, face your fears and insecurities, for the wise men once said “courageous people go to the places where they fear most- that’s where their power awaits them”

Go ahead, taste the wines… each and every one of them but settle only for the best :)

TRUE HEARTS UNDER THE SCORCHING SUN……

Last evening after my evening jog and exercise, I sat in the garden in front of my building trying to catch my breath and to think on certain happenings in my life in the recent past. I have complained, lamented and many of the things that don’t seem to go right for me. To be honest I got sick and tired of listening to my complaints, to my friends, myself and I felt this negativity slowly took away the bright smile I had on my face.

While sitting on the bench I opened a conversation with the night guard and I honestly spoke to him on what bothered me hoping for answers I thought I needed. But his response drew me further to a pensive mood. I realized so often we take fore granted the fact that we could afford to live in comfort, that we had food on the table, luxury of speaking to our loved ones just at the press of a button. What of the dental procedures we do on the teeth when someone had no money to remove an aching tooth? When he had to use a spanner and vodka to remove his tooth in the accommodation he lived in? What of the guy who had no money for bus fare and had to walk under the scorching sun just to send the little he had to his loved ones back home. On the news today, a woman died of starvation after delivering twins…I am not trying to make you feel guilty but juts to think of the luxury you have of reading a blog on the net…

To the man who left his infant child with a hope for a better life in the UAE only to find the scorching sun was all he could find. But even under the scorching sun he still managed to afford a smile and quote optimistically, “lucky me I can see the sun, I can feel it on my skin and the glow of the sky just makes me grateful to be alive today” I thought I had suffered or gone through hardships but I realize life has been kind to me, more than I realized it was.

Isn’t this an example of a heart that’s true? Not to forget, the day when I saw a guy in a luxurious car stop and give money to a poor laborer who was almost fainting under the scorching sun. The cheerful giver did not wait for a “thank you” but hoped the money he had given this guy would help him meet his next need. I went on a pensive mood which is not new to me and spoke to my inner self. Why was I troubled within me, what did I let pessimism take over my thoughts? Given that I live in apt 508, I had though pessimistically that (5+0+8=13(unlucky number)) but yesterday evening I saw that it was (8-0-5=3(my lucky number))…..

I have no right to be negative and the next time this feeling comes, I will replay the talk I had with the night guard. He turned something in my heart, drew a tear to my eye, even though none fell, I realized that there were true hearts under the scorching sun of Dubai…...........

“RUSH-RUSH” BUT MY HEART LONGS FOR “HUSH-HUSH”………….

Living in a fast moving city, everything being artificial and life continually changing, I have come to realize the importance of having somewhere to belong and more importantly let it be natural. Many a time when you walk in the streets of Dubai you will find changes on the roads, uprooted signage or even done away with roundabouts. The next day, the path on which you are used to walking could be marked for cable construction or sewer expansion. Some of these changes are temporary but they can vastly affect our lives, moods and peace of mind…

In our lives we all search for peace or somewhere to call our own, to belong and know that people care for us. Even the most hardened hearts long for the peace that can be found in the hearts that truly care. Speaking in general terms may not bring out what I mean to discuss. Today my heart longs for a place I once knew, where the wind blew on my face and the nourishing scent of soil just before the rains, calmed my soul. I could lie on the grass and count the stars, and many of the afternoons ride my bike down the winding roads of my hometown, manyatta.

Memories of those days fill my heart with nostalgia. My heart that is no longer virgin, heart that has been troubled by emotions. Heart that has seen hardship unlike those days when I had no idea what the real world was like. This young part of my life is filled with love and ready to give love, it was filled with dreams and deep-heartened laughter. I had no need to keep appearances, for I knew that when the sun will rise I could walk bare feet on the dewy grass on my papa’s home.

I have grown up and my papa’s home is no longer my own, I should set out to create my own, something that I have seen my older siblings do without much effort. This has not been the case for me given that; I seem to search for wrong places to belong. My heart is struggling to maintain the peace and the harmony of all that is inside. My eyes try to see only things that will please my soul.. When every where is “rush-rush”, my soul searches for “hush-hush” that I could find by the riverside or on top of the small rock or more so in the millions drops of rain on my skin.. I yearn for the healing of nature; my soul yearns to find the peace it once knew…

Even though the wind my blows through my window in my apartment, it’s hot, humid and no life. It brings in the “rush-rush “of the world passing by fast outside my window. For those who are lucky to feel the rain, to feel the morning dew beneath their feet and rub the soft soil in the palm of their hands, you are blessed souls. My hearts envies what you have and some day I will head straight there…

Into the country side, glowing sunsets, bleating lambs and gentle winds….hmmm.. “hush-hush” my soul seeks this place that was created by God, the giver of life…..

IT'S RAINING THOUGHTS……..

Have we ever been faced with times in our lives when we can not stop ideas, thoughts from running in and out of minds. Some of the thoughts bring you hope but most of them wear you down. Your mind gets curious and goes on rampage trying to figure out what the hidden answers could be? You try to sleep but the morning dawns and your soul is upset..your soul is troubled within you and your personality is slowly distorted or you become erratic?

I am not trying to describe beginning of madness, I believe I am trying to find the best way to learn to let go of dreams, wishes and plans that we come to realize are not feasible. I believe this is the beginning of the internal turmoil because when we don’t let go, we start to search for justification as to why certain unfeasible dreams deserve to live on.

It could be a failed love affair, marriage , job aspiration or even a failed holiday plan. The minute we hold on to something that is already lost, our mind tries to find the better option or other way out. In some cases these options have led us to success but is it worth the time, resources and energy? We keep climbing this hill where as it may be just a grain of sand. We convince ourselves that this is it and so much time is lost , something that we will never get back.

Would it not be much better if we could make each moment count because that is all we have. why do we chase after waterfalls? Why do I talk about this today? Last week, I had breathing problem and thought I had developed asthma but when I visited the doctor, she counseled me and advised me to let go of the tension in my mind and heart… all my vitals were fine and my physical exam excellent (Thank God)..

I went home a troubled soul, could this be what they call stress? I had no idea I was stressed, I try to live a healthy life but I was wrong, big time wrong…this was the result of the rain in my mind, the rain of thoughts, something that is good but can get very toxic…

Tonight I urge you take joy in the simple joys of life, the moments we have today and let go of the waterfalls.. when the rain comes, let the rainbow in your heart remind you of when its time to let go.

GASP FOR BREATH…..

Through the hospital blinds, I see faces, expressions of despair of worry and perhaps for some of the faces it’s fatigue. The road has been too long and the baggage of life is wearing them down, for the young ones, some may be bearing the baggage handed down from their ancestors. They are all strangers to me and the breathing masks over the noses of most of them shows that they are in need of someone to send them just an ounce of strength to breathe again. Tears roll down my face as I walk through the corridors of this hospital, it’s a place that you see the once strong body of a man, woman or child become fragile and in some cases lifeless..

The times now make the matter grave; the stifle tears at the corners of their eyes or the line of worry on the loved ones beside their beds tell it all. Who knows what will become of their loved ones. How often do we take fore granted that we have the gift to breathe; the gift to see the sun shine bright and see the blue sky. The strength in our feet can help us move to see the end of our daily road. Do we ever stop to think what if the next minute our feet will fail us? What if the air we breathe was suddenly taken away or made foul. When we have to gasp and struggle to fuel our lungs with oxygen?

As I walked further the corridors I think on if I tell the people close to me how much they mean to me everyday. Do I take this fore granted? When my strength fails me, will I have someone by my bedside to hold my hand? Would the person choose to be there or do it by obligation? When we love, do we do it unconditionally? Our hearts are free and so is our will, what choice do we make today? Self gratification and indulgence? Why don’t we reach out to share the strength we have with those that need it. The person may be a stranger but the heart knows no stranger. A simple smile I share with the man who lay frail on his sick bed, made me realize that I didn’t have to have the money, or material stuff to make someone’s world better.

I have a powerful gift, the gift to make someone’s day brighter, and the gift to be able to share my strength and hold someone’s frail hands. Give a gentle hug of assurance. What more do I need when I don’t the financial capabilities to waive their imminent bills, unpaid mortgages or loans? Today, I make a simple vow in my heart, to try and make someone’s day better, to smile even when I am on the verge of tears, the smile maybe cracked but for someone who needs it, it maybe just the hope for another chance. For someone who gasps for air, I will say a gentle prayer to the giver of live to breathe life into their hearts….

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

Walking through Batuta mall last evening, I realized that I loved observing human behavior. Please don’t get me wrong since I am not a pervert with binoculars on a dark balcony. I just enjoyed watching people at a close range. From the forced smile on a couple’s face to the innocent genuine laughter and glee of a young one, the message is clear; we all strive to be happy. A task I consider noble but the road that leads to it is hard to accept.

Have you ever been in a situation when you forge a smile or affection yet deep inside you are tearing apart? When every one around you thinks you have a perfect life, perfect body, beauty , partner or even career? Many a times we force ourselves to live in the frame set by the people around us. They set the standards and since we want to play the perfect life we play puppet. When our parents, siblings or even partners set high goals for us and we strain to attain and forget the whole essence of having loved ones in our lives.

We are forced to live behind masks of fame, make up and material value. The world can be lonely at that point; it’s when you wake up beside someone you don’t really want to spend the rest of your life with; when you sit behind a desk that you don’t want sit or better when you wear make up that erodes your faith in the beautiful natural skin you were born with. Many a times we are responsible for creating the perfect lives before the world audience. The desire to have possessions of great aesthetic value overwhelms us, and we buy and continue to buy. The credit card debt piles and continues to pile up, all in the name of living the goog life.

The toughest moment comes when we close the doors behind us and get lost in the bathrooms at the end of the day. The reflection in the mirror shows you who you truly are and think on what you had dreamed for yourself. Your thoughts go to when you let other people’s dreams become your dreams. You feel lost. This is the time when the tears of bitterness, regret and uncertainty flow freely. The loads of make up powder are washed off gently by the warm water, you are naked before your true world; the world of your reflection. Your friends are gone and perhaps your spouse is dead asleep. The children dead asleep. This is the time you reflect on who you really are. Is it really worth it? Is it worth making Hollywood out of our own lives?

How many times do we trap our loved ones in situations that they genuinely don’t want to be? Why do we put them in prison for the sake of love and loyalty? Do we think about what goes on in the mind and heart behind closed doors? When the curtains of the scene in our life comes falling; who will stand with us at the back stage? Will we be alone after the moment of glory? When forced a smile unto the world. Who are we? This is the question we should ask ourselves.

Let’s work hard to turn those tears that fall behind closed doors into laughter. Its simple just as in my introduction, think of the laughter of a child; why is it so healing and reassuring? simply because they believe and hope; they live in the truth…they face the truth each and every moment…

We may have lost the innocence they posses but we can still tell ourselves the truth and live to nourish the “ I” deep within us.

Behind closed doors, we shouldn’t be standing alone, someone should be there with us………..

THE BRIDGES THAT WE BURN……

The beauty of a beginning friendship is beyond description especially if the friendship is of a potential love story or marriage. Usually we live in bliss at these moments and we forget that we are simple human beings of different backgrounds and upbringings trying to forge a co existence. This isn’t easy because we have to blend our differences to create a harmonious union in the name of “friendship” or “marriage”. Well these two words have often been misused and many a times we have mixed up “unions of convenience” to the above mentioned two.

Don’t get me wrong I am not here to criticize the friends we have, I only wish to ask you to reflect on the persons beside you as you live through these “unions”, are they genuine? Are they the persons who would help you cross a bridge of raging rivers in your life and you the same to them? Would they stand by you as you fight to eliminate the elements of self pity, loss, pain and even insecurities in your life? The stormy times will come and doubts may assail but would be alone struggling to stand every time you fall? Would they be friends in the fields of sunflower where the sun glows and the radiance of the flowers fill your hearts with joy?

Tonight I am thinking on the values of these words and I focus on the bridges that we have to burn in our lives. Don’t they say that the bridges that we burn leave us lonely? What of instances when these bridges often lead to cross into unknown territories? Where we loose our selves in the name friendship? When the persons dear to us lead us into dungeons of self doubt, insecurities and low self esteem? What do you do when you feel the temptations to cross these bridges are overwhelming? You are addicted and you can’t see the other bridges around you. It flows through your blood like a drug. The ecstasy is gone but you force yourself to hope that this bridge will one day lead you the bliss you had at the first time you crossed it.

Well, I don’t mean to make it all look ugly but in my simple opinion, it’s worth burning this kind bridge. It’s worth letting go of this hope that you keep alive just so that you can go by another day. It’s not wrong to hope but perhaps you need to place your hope in the right baskets. You need to hope in something substantial or some one “substantial”. I’ll tell you how I do it; I place my hope in God and my eyes I lift to the heavens above. The search for earthly bridges can leave us worn out and tattered but remember any union done with good intentions and true spirit gives us the audacity to hope.

It all begins with us; can we be the bridges that truly lead our partners in these unions to the other side? A brighter side in which they hoped for and not let them loose faith? Think about it, I am not being idealistic but urging all my dearest readers, let’s tell ourselves the truth every time we lay to bed at night. You have a right to hope but when its time to let go and burn the bridge, take courage. The pain will come to pass and you will see the sun again…

You have the audacity to hope when the spirit is true… :)

SIMPLE JOYS..............

Today I am reminiscing on the different characters of people I have encountered in my life. Right from kindergarten to high school. Wow, so many characters and each one of them influenced my life in one way or another. Some in a negative way and some in positive way. I remember the bullies I encountered on my walks back home and in school, how much I feared and thought they were like a small god to be worshipped. I believe many of us have encountered people in our lives who held a key to certain aspects of our lives. As much I believe that this should not be the case, sometimes we meet people who just by a word make us loose or boost our self esteem.

These persons may appear in form of crushes, friends or loved ones along the way. How often when we have persons in our lives that we dress, smile and do a lot to impress? It’s painful but it’s a reality. It may not last all our lives long but for the period it lasts, they hold a key in certain aspects of our lives. Recently I got an inspiration to write few notes on someone who has impacted my life in the recent past, I wanted to express in the simplest words what the person had seen me through. When I shared my wish with the persona, the response I got made me loose all the words I could think of. I lost the desire to share with the world what I had inside on this particular personality. It was in the simple word that I got in response that made me slip away from the flow of words in my heart.

What I mean to say is that these people will always be there and while they last we have to find a way of not making them a center of our lives. I may sound mean but it’s not the case; it may sound an easy step to do but it isn’t. The first step I believe is to first search inside of us to find the need that dwells in us. This need is the key to making our lives easier. It could be a need to look beautiful in the eyes of this person, perhaps we want to look smart; perhaps outstanding… in most cases we will find that needing a person is poisonous but instead we should be just as simple as we are. Show our true beauty to the world, blossom in the spring and let our colors shine bright. Only this way we will catch the eye of the persons dear to us and the world at large…

Likewise I realized that my search for inspiration was in vain since it’s a seed in me, it’s growing in my heart and I could only nourish it in the simple joys. Chasing waterfalls would drown me or cause my spirit to fade and my inspiration may die out. From the gentle smile of the guard at the office building this morning, to the simple laugh is shared with the shop attendant at my work place, I realized my joy is complete. These people may never get close to know who I am but their smiles and greetings made me smile and feel warm inside. This is where we should search for impact, the simple joys around us, this joy is God given. People who impact our lives will come and go but what matters is the joy and peace that dwells inside.


Find it in the simple things around you, from the smile and laughter of a small child, to the greetings of a stranger in the street; how often do we overlook the rivers and streams hat flow gently in our lives instead we chase the waterfalls?..try it, its all in the simple joys before our eyes………impact the world around you with the simple joy, trying to live for someone else is like chasing your own shadow.

Guess what, you will never catch it your shadow)……………………………..

BETTER THAN I CAN

Thoughts run on the insecurities we face as human beings; the thought of always having someone better than you, someone taking your place in a given aspect of your life.our spirits get crushed and often feelings of anger, hatred, envy and jealously crowd our hearts. As if not enough, we feel timid, huddle ourselves to a corner and watch all unfold before our eyes helpless. I would be surprised if someone told me they never went through this kind of situation in their lives…

How often do we take fore granted of the fact that there will always be someone better than us? Someone with greater talents, beauty and perhaps character than ours. This feeling however has a “pass it on”effect and every time we meet someone better than us, someone somewhere feels the same about us. Why do we stare at our neighbor’s meat and forget our own meat frozen in our refrigerators? Human heart knows no satisfaction and pride has often weakened our sound judgment. Alas, I am not here to criticize anyone but rather discuss this issue of feeling not good enough.

We may hurt this night and feel timid.. It will hurt to see that someone can do what we did in a much better way. Perhaps in love, somebody could love the person we love in a better way. The pain and doubt can be searing, cold and so real. But how long will we dwell in this state of loosing. Gaping, mouth open at the barbecue in our neighbor’s yard. Looking over the fence, looking back, looking sideways…hold it! You were meant to look forward that’s why you have your eyes ahead, the neck may turn but not for long…

You may wonder why I write this today; and it may appear as if I have it all figured out but no! I walk each and every day with a knowledge that someone will always be better than me; but I choose to dwell on the thought that I am unique in a given way.. Someone close to me shared with me her fears that being in a relationship has killed her self esteem. When I enquired why? The answer made me realize that often we stay with other persons believing that we couldn’t do better. Hmmm…perhaps for convenience. She was sad each and every time they went out to social places with her partner because there would always be ladies, dressed better than her, with sweeter smiles that hers, with better accessories than her. What makes it worse is that her partner would lust tongue out after this women.

How sad such a situation is but in my young opinion, I believe that I would rather be alone at these social gatherings than stand beside such a person; in our lives we all have our places, we have persons who will accept as we are and even help us come up to a level higher. But don’t you think it all starts with humility, empathy and genuine care?

I ask my self this question this morning, and I know that I will not stare at the other side of the fence..My place is right here….around me are the people I choose to dwell amongst….try it...

It’s called self acceptance…

Rise up, lift your face off the mud puddle

Tonight I am thinking on the subject mistakes. Several times we have made mistakes, we have fallen fromgrace and sometimes our mistakes can be rectified and sometimes they can not. From betrayal to mistakes that make us loose our face before the people who trust us. The guilt that follows our actions sometimes is unbearable. We are too hard on our selves and quite often we can not forgive our own self. This certainly hurts..

Harder is the task when you have to face the people disappointed in you. The choices weren’t the best and you fell. You fell down hard, face right in the pool of mud.tears feel your eyes and you mind has endless question as to how you could let it go that far..so you lie face in the mud, too guilty to rise. How can you face the sun again when you had thought your path was the best. When you felt better than your friends and pride filled your heart…

It’s ok to hold your face down but not too long because the further you hold it down the greater the consequence of our actions. You may be lonely when you rise up and your face will be dirty; perhaps not pleasant to look at. Your eyes will be swollen from crying. But time has to come when you have to rise up and wash your face. Nourish your body with gentle soup of acceptance. Just like you clean a sweaty body, you need to wash away your guilt. You have to be accountable and try to make it up to the party’s hurt.You have to get the strength to do this by acknowledging your faults. You need to rise up once more.

You may not receive instant forgiveness from those you have hurt but time will show; for every one makes mistakes and every day of our life someone is at fault …

So you fell from grace, the utopia you created but time to rise up, face from the mud, forgive yourself and you will be forgiven when you seek it. Lift you face off the mud and swear never to go back there ….

THE WISDOM OF MY FATHER..........

I wonder what my father would tell me today if I told of him what troubled me and what my desires were. Would he relate to my thoughts, desires and dreams? Would he tell me of a story in his lifetime from which I would draw a lesson? What would be his advice? Perhaps he would tell me to follow my dreams and pursue my goals in life. What if he scolds me and expresses his disappointment on my living below the standards he taught me? This evening I ponder on the wisdom of my father. I am not trying to say that he is a perfect and ever knowing person. I must admit he has his flaws but which he suppressed and let the good side over shadow..

He is a man of a few words and quite moody but these are traits which prove that he is human just like any one of us. I am not going to describe his features to you but instead I would love to share with you the nostalgia that lives in my heart this afternoon. The deep desires to see him and listen to him speak. I remember watching him taking walks in the neighborhood, perhaps he had a lot on his mind, and perhaps he did it to get his own time away from the large family that surrounded him. I remember the lines of wisdom he relayed in between his humor trying to lessen the gravity of the message he wanted to pass across.

In his dedication to us, I observed the trait of patience, he didn’t complain on the stress he must have gone through to bring us to the level that we are as a family today. I wonder what he is doing at this moment; could it be that he is talking to his friends (he has few friends)? Perhaps dozing under his favorite tree? Hhh..no , I am sure he is listening to “lingala” while relaxing on his rocking chair. He taught me the importance of seeking tranquility within the soul and heart. He never failed in making me understand that joy came from within us and that no other person could make us happy, instead they could with us their joy.

What of the time when I didn’t achieve what I wanted in school in a game or a toy? In his wisdom he made me realize that life isn’t always about what we want, it’s more of accepting what is beyond our control and seeking the other open doors in life. Not once did I see him stagger drunk where as he would buy vodka for his mates and enjoy a laugh or two with them. When we asked him why he never took alcohol, his answer was simple” I don’t know what alcohol is and my life is great without it “ I am not in criticism of alcohol but in this way he made make a decision to keep an a
liquor free life.

When life is tough and the decision making is hard, he acknowledges the help he can accord from God. He is not a deeply religious man but he believes in God and even though I never saw him kneel down to pray, he asked my mother to keep him in her prayers. I am nostalgic on his laughter, when he taught me that laughing was a great medicine for the soul. I wonder what piece of wisdom I would miss today. Perhaps he had planted the seed in me to seek wisdom from God and take all the lessons I can from my daily life. I could say endless wisdom tips from him but I see that in my life yesterday, today and tomorrow, I am yet to learn. My true wisdom comes from God….

I miss him today, I am nostalgic of my homeland, and my hearts has a rooting in my beautiful homeland Kenya. I am an African girl and a child of my father…

I Love you dad…

ALL FIGURED OUT…..

Many a times we believe that we are smart enough to know what’s right for us; that we have it all figured out. We could be knowledgeable, intelligent perhaps of a high IQ. What then becomes of us when life throws at our faces situations that we can’t handle? They say when trouble knocks, it knocks double or even bring along its seven brothers. Strength may fail us and at times we wish the ground could open beneath our feet and swallow us. No magic wand would take the pain away.

You go to bed and wake up with pain staring right at your face and loneliness still under the covers. “Perhaps you should say good morning pain and confusion!”….“How do you do today?” the reality is real and up close that you can nearly taste it. You can feel it sit beside you at the table and even kneel beside you as you pray. For those of us who pray, words could be lost and you may not know what to ask for God. You are afraid it may seem foolish or selfish before the heavens above to lodge a complaint.

Many of you wonder by now why most of my blogs are about pain and reflection but I realize that around me lately I have seen a lot of pain, I have talked to people in pain, lost in pain and I have gone through pain. What I am trying to discuss with you today is how we should go through it and come out seasoned and take a long the lessons we should. For those who are of great faith, go down on your knees and seek an answer for your soul because many times the reason may be beyond human comprehension and strength.

For those who don’t believe in God (although I would advice you to reconsider), find a place where you can search inside of you and listen to what’s going on in your mind. You may be surprised to find that the answer is closer than you think or perhaps a lesson you have from your past. You may feel lost and weak, blinded by lack of power to turn events around. Feeling small is alright at this point because no path in life bears least resistance. Be brave and believe that tomorrow you will smile again.

Lucky are those who take joy from the fountain of life, that’s Jesus Christ; He is closer than we anticipate. He is willing and will hold our hands. No offense to my readers of other faiths, you have you fortress, in your faith you have Him who holds your hand and your source of strength. Seek Him…

Just when we think we have it all figured out, watch out Life is watching you.. you will be tested and tried. At the end of it all the storm will come to pass and you will smile again ….carry on….

TRANSPARENT LIES….

Reading a Kenyan newspaper today, I felt disappointed and disgruntled. I remember the pain, fear, confusion and hatred that gripped my country during the last elections. May people fell victims of transparent lies both from the politicians and themselves? The beastiality and savageness that flashed on the faces of my fellow country men was horrifying. Husband, wives, neighbors and friends turned against each other and blood was shed on the grounds of loyalty, in the name of “justice”.

I understand the anger that one could bear when he/she feels lied to and especially if he/she feels he is being taken for a fool. The story is long but what I want to dwell on is how to deal with transparent lies? What do you do when you see that a politician, a friend or even family is lying to you? For the politician’s case you may have no other choice because all the candidates presented before you are not worth your vote. You may think that boycotting voting is failure to practice your rights; but hold on for a moment and think of what about you, what about your hopes for the future and what about the next generation? Should your tolerance of a lie allow the innocent to suffer? Is it really worth the cause?

For the lovers and partners, it’s harder because in this case because the heart is involved. The heart understands its own language and even though your mind tries to reason out with it for a possible exit, it may not heed to the counsel of reason. It hurts when you can see in the eyes, through the lips and constraints in the voice of the people you love when the try to sell you a white lie. You know and feel that what they say to you is not true, deep in your heart you don’t wish to show mistrust; you have no chance to prove that it is a lie. Your instincts are screaming “transparent lie”. How do you go on when a piece of your heart is poisoned? When you feel the trust you accorded has been violated. So many people chose to keep silent and look the other way. Many of us are afraid of loosing what they held on to. But is it worth all the trouble? Is it worth being a slave of a lie than be free in the truth?

If you ask me, I would choose truth at any time. It would hurt to get to know that truth and in time you will heal than to spend sleepless night trying to make justifications for the one who chooses to betray your trust. I am not encouraging mistrust but rather I am encouraging us to start telling the truth; let it start from us and when we go to bed at night, take a few minutes to convince our hearts of the truth as it is. Let the charity begin at home, and hope that those we love and care about will follow suit…

As for the politicians in my country, I have no words for them at the moment. So many promises were given; loyalty of the people has been betrayed. Friendships broken, innocent blood shed. So much damage has been done just because of believing in transparent lies. Their words were strong and they spoke of change. Enemy boundaries were drawn and now the enemies share the same bed and plate over the innocent blood that was shed. I am not quoting any names but let’s search our hearts, from the leaders to the small children, how much pain and heartache would we save the ones we love by telling them the truth? It may hurt, but in time they will realize that the truth sets them free.
Remember for every lie, there has to be thousand supporting lies…lets start tonight and search within our hearts, clean our closets, the skeletons of transparent lies….

Don’t settles for anything less than reason because choice will always lead you back to square one…this is the weakness of the human kind….

CHILD OF THE WILD

Deep in the prairies of the African savannah, her beautifully shaped spine touched the ground;
Her long legs gracefully bent;
Bent to the direction of the sun;
Modeled legs, wrapped in beautifully colored skin;
Her soul just like her knees bowed to the sun;
Like a sunflower the petal of her heart were brightly colored;
All around her was serene, natural melody and music;
All chorused in the beautiful chirps, hisses and gentle screeches….
She was at home in the wild…


Her mind wondered into a dream;
Dream of the other night, perhaps the other day;
Her eyes followed the plane in the blue sky;
Her thoughts followed her eyes;
Deep in her hearts she felt an ache;
Ache of what was unknown beyond her eyes;
Her curious mind searched for the answers;
Ache of what had been, betrayal and pain;
Ache of the loyalties hard to break;
Ache to be loved and to love
Ache to be free like the child of the wild that she truly was…..

Love wasn’t in her vocabulary; she knew that her heart will lead her to it,
Her wild and yet virgin heart knew that road to take;
No vocabulary was needed,
Love to her was not spoken by the mouth but only by heart;
She was a child of the wild;
In this wilderness only truth and loyalty ruled.

her heart has encountered a polished love,
One that was covered in glitter, luxury;
Love from the west, love that hasn’t seen the wilderness in her soul;
The virgin green of the emotions abiding in her;
She has given all she can for this love;
Her heart has ached for it to be hers;
She is a child of the wild, where everyone is free;
She can’t capture this beautiful emotion;
She lets it free, fly around her, around her aching soul;

The child of the wild has loved;
No idea if loved back;
In her virgin and wild heart, only dreams lie waiting;
Waiting for him to fly back to her;
Her wild heart longs for him to look into her;
Look into her and see the “child of the earth”
This wonderful being abides in her soul……

The child of the wild longs for him…….
Will he turn to see her waiting? Just like she lay in the prairies dreaming….
She dreams on and waits for her story…..
Maybe he will choose her, may be she is too wild for him…..

HOW DO YOU KNOW…..

In my life I have often practiced the policy of letting go when I feel it’s beyond my means, when I have tried all possible means and ended with less desired outcome. Today I review many of the dreams I never gave 2nd, 3rd, 4th or perhaps 10th chances. What if I had tried one more day, made a little extra effort? What would have happened then? I ask myself one tough question, perhaps rhetorical; when or how do you determine, its time to let go?

What do you do when the heart is adamant on pursuing this dream beyond reach? When you try to accept the results and you know you can’t do better than this? When you feel that the harder you try, the more weaknesses are exposed? You are compromised and you feel lost and your mind can’t make any clear decisions. I wonder this day if all decisions have been less difficult to make in the past because today I have reached a point in my life when I don’t know what to decision to take.

I always characterized myself as a decision maker but this point it’s unclear whether this will be the worst mistake if I give up this dream. At the same the battle of thoughts is ongoing in my mind, showing more of my weaknesses than strength if I continue holding on. I ask myself again, when you draw a line to mark the end of an era and the beginning of a new phase of your life.

Where did the courage come from in the past decisions made? Was I to much of a coward to have let go of those dreams? Were the boundaries between hope and despair drawn too early? It’s a tough decision today but perhaps what I need is another night to sleep on it. Tomorrow may bring a clear picture and show me when to draw the line.

For all those battling out the right way to go at this crossroad, maybe you just need to settle a little more and listen to the inner you. The nature of time is that things mature and the picture gets clearer by the day. More information is received and it might be safe to hold on for another day. For those brave enough like I was in the past; you may draw the line and turn away. Find the dreams possible to realize; those you may overlooked or a blind eye was turned to earlier..

Life is journey, we leave foot prints behind…let’s hope that the foot prints left will be bolder and surer….we are together in the walk to our final destiny…God help us and hold our hands when we can’t stand strong….

One step back…

Often we reach at a point in our lives when we come to sudden realization that the dream we held on to for so long is unattainable. Perhaps so much time has been wasted; perhaps not all the resources were allocated wisely. The pain, regret and wish to be in control of time flood our minds; clouding our reasoning abilities.

The question is clear; how do we get on with life? How do we accept the situation as it is? Well don’t get me wrong I am not advising you to give up your dreams. Neither am I saying that letting go is the easiest thing to do. All I am saying is that we may come to suddenly realize what we dreamt about is not feasible. The main point today is that how do we get back to re prioritize our dreams? How do we accept and let go when the time is right?

With my little experience in life; I would confidently say that it all starts with baby steps; starts with one small step but hold it! Baby steps are usually towards the mother or father, a sense of hope. In this case I would advise you on one of the hardest things to do, take the step backward. Moving away from the dream. You don’t have to set yourself any targets; you have to take it easy. Don’t rush it for Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Let’s take a more vivid example; you had a dream of being with someone perhaps for life but this dream partner is suddenly taken away from you or he/she marries another. You know that you have no chance to achieve your dream but the pain could cloud your ability to see this clearly. We must realize that life has to go on and the only way is to start step by step in the opposite direction. If you used to call her/him everyday, do it once in every 2 days; if you had a picture of her/him by your beside, keep it away. Tears may fall as you do this; your heart may tear apart as you try to recover but how many lost dreams were the resurrections to new ones? Hundreds!

With every closing door in our lives, opens a new one..how long will the new ones be open? Nobody knows but I am confident that there are better dreams to dream; there is hope to discover the real dream. There is a chance to redeem the lost moments only in a new setting. This needs you to be brave, with every backward step you take; you come to face to face with the dreams you overlooked while you on the chase for the unattainable…

Pray for wisdom to see this. Pray that you may see the options that life sets for you today. Step by step…..only the direction is reverse….

In search of a familiar face……

Ever walked on a busy street and felt lonely. You perhaps wondered what had brought to where you were. The period of your life could be confusing, perhaps making your heart feel weak that once again you had failed to realize the dream you had dared to dream. People swam past you, you are a figure unrecognizable, perhaps your friends are unreachable and you are alone in the middle of the side walk.

Every face is fast moving and all are strange around you. With every eye contact you feel the suspicion from the beholder. You want to break free from this cocoon and show the world the beautiful colors inside of you. The rainbow that should be glowing in your heart but wait, the rainbow comes only after the rain. At this moment its still raining in your heart and soul and you can’t stop the rain from falling…

Hmmm..perhaps its time to embrace change that you never anticipated; perhaps it’s the loss of something you held on dear to or it could be lack of solution to a nagging problem. You are lost in the crowd and you feel small. Feels like everyone is trampling over you and laughing on as though it didn’t matter…amazing how life can take us up and bring us down over time….

But hey, are you alone? No, no one is ever alone in this vast universe. You may call it an angel, karma or something you believe in but they are always with you. Set your eyes across the busy crowd and search for a familiar face. This face is always there, waiting for you to find it. It may be on the cover of a magazine, or perhaps on a billboard, or even the person walking past you. This face will always signify some kind of fresh hope, optimism that “I have been there too but I made it and now I can smile”….its a subtle feeling when you find this face and it can make you smile again…

From the simple grin to a warm handshake, this familiar face could be your connection to the bright side again. This face may awaken the rainbow that is inside you heart. Search for it. From the smile and laugh of a child to the tears of a grown man, lies a face that knows you…knows you by heart..search for it…..

SPIDER'S WEB

There comes a time in life when we have no control over the spider’s web in our lives. We get to a point when we give in our all and we are at the mercy of the person who has our heart. They are the ones in charge of weaving of the web which could accommodate you and one which could be too small for you. This person holds the thread to weave, he knows the design, and he/she knows the colors to add. You are not included in the process.

How lonelier can it get when you have no voice in the decision being made over your life and feelings. It hurts sometimes and sometimes you want to give up and walk away (which in most cases is the wise thing) but your heart wants to stay to fight for another day.

I am talking about loving someone, who doesn’t feel the same way or did but decides to pull back. Your mind races on the time you spent together, the words said which raised your hopes. Yes, it’s a pain worth going through because it refines you, models your thinking and perhaps makes you stronger and ready for heart breaks at any time of your life.

There was a time they needed you, when they requested for your presence but now tables are turned. The words you say could push them further away and every call you make may crowd them. I am not trying to make you have self pity if you are in such a situation but I am trying to give you an assurance that you are not alone. Take heart, today you may not have the thread to weave the web with him/her, to hold their hands when the weaving needle pricks their fingers.

Today to have no place in this web but remember you have a place to start weaving your own beautiful web. It maybe lonely to do so but in your web, you can add the colors you desire to have, you can paint it with the colors of the rainbow. The design is yours and nobody can take it away. Get a hold of your tools and start weaving again, step by step make it a home for you and tell your heart its gonna be alright…

Weave on my dearest reader….weave on…